


Saving You

by Archangelsanonymous (Pattypixie)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-11 03:02:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5611420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pattypixie/pseuds/Archangelsanonymous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompted by a tumblr anon</p>
<p>Gabriel catches Sam harming himself after a really bad hunt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Saving You

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Self-harm, cutting, depression
> 
> Some of this is based off of my own experience with self harm. If you are harming yourself, don't be afraid to reach out and get help. There are people that will help you and things will always get better. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to find me on tumblr at archangelsanonymous

    Sam set down his duffel inside the door of his room and sighed. Werewolves again. He closed his door behind him and started to undress. He folded his pants and flannel neatly, setting them to the side and pulling out his pajama pants to put on. Folding his clothes was part of the ritual. He didn’t want them to be scattered everywhere if something went wrong…or maybe if it went right. Sam put on the linen pants and walked to his dresser, pulling out the bottom drawer. Out of it, he took a small black pouch, about the size of a shaving kit, and set it on the bed before closing the drawer. He didn’t feel like he needed to do this after every hunt. It’s just that this one really got to him. They hadn’t been able to save everyone and anytime he had to deal with werewolves, it reminded him that he couldn’t save Madison either.

    Sam sat on the edge of the bed, one leg propped up on his knee. He pushed up his pant leg, revealing several precise lines of scars ranging from pale and raised to swollen and scabbed. His fingers moved across the scars, remembering the reason for each one of them. Turning to the pouch, Sam opened it and pulled out an individual alcoholic wipe. He ripped the packet open and used the wipe on the section of skin he planned on marking that night. At this point, it was so familiar to him that he barely registered the preparation. The only reason he did it was because when he started as a teen, he didn’t care about the hygiene of it, only the passion of the cuts. His first few cuts had gotten infected, and luckily he had been able to pass them off as an accident. Sam learned his lesson the first time.

    When he felt the area was sanitized, he threw out the wipe and pulled a Xacto knife out of the pouch. He had tried razors before, but they had gotten much harder to come by over the years. The knife blades were sharper, lasted longer, and were easier to come by. Sam pressed the point of the blade to his skin until he saw a red bead appear, and he sliced a line into his flesh. He closed his eyes and let out a breath as the pain radiated up his leg. That was for the first girl they couldn’t save. After the cut had gone numb, he made another cut just underneath the first one, reminding the skin that he needed to feel the pain. He still needed to be punished. That cut was for the young boy.

    “Hey, Samster! Wanna watch Numb3rs with m—“ Gabriel walked into the room unannounced and Sam froze, about to make his third cut. “Sam…”

    “Gabriel, I—“

    Gabriel closed the door behind him and sat down on the bed next to him. “Let’s heal you up.” He placed his hands over Sam’s leg and the hunter grabbed Gabriel’s wrists, holding them away.

    “No. Don’t,” Sam held onto Gabriel and looked up at him. “I deserve this. I need to do it.”

    “Okay,” Gabriel moved his hands away. “Can I at least bandage you up?” Sam nodded and Gabriel pulled the antiseptic and gauze out of Sam’s pouch. “Why do you think that you deserve this?”

    “We didn’t save everyone,” Sam explained, watching Gabriel as he worked. “Not everyone we could have saved at least. I deserve to suffer for that. Every scar is a person who died that we failed.”

    Gabriel nodded and wiped away as much of the blood as he could. “You can’t save everyone, Sam.”

    “You sound like Dean.”

    “And he’s right,” Gabriel started to wrap the gauze around Sam’s ankle. “It’s too late for some people. Yeah, there have been a few that we were too late for, but you can’t blame yourself. You always did your best, right?”

    “Maybe my best isn’t good enough,” Sam pondered softly. “Maybe those people would still be alive if it wasn’t for the mistakes I had made.”

    “Mistakes are human,” Gabriel ripped the gauze and held it as he grabbed some medical tape. “Hell, I’m an archangel and I still make mistakes.”

    “I have so much trouble living with them, Gabriel,” Sam squeezed his eyes shut, trying to hold back tears. “Why am I still alive, coming back over and over again, and they have to die?”

    Gabriel wrapped the medical tape around the gauze so it was secure, then set it to the side. “Have you ever thought that you have a problem not saving people because it’s you that needs saving, and you’re worried someone won’t be there for you?”

     “I never thought…” Sam looked up at Gabriel with watery eyes and the archangel held out his arms for Sam to fall into.

     “Shh, Sam,” Gabriel stroked Sam’s hair as the hunter sobbed against his shoulder. “I’m here, okay? I’ll always be here.”

    Sam’s sobs started to slow and he sniffed a little. “That’s not true. Everyone always leaves me.”

    “I’ll never leave you,” Gabriel rubbed Sam’s back and pressed a kiss to his hair. “There’s absolutely nothing you can do that can push me away. I know everything you’ve done, good and bad. I still love you more than anything in the entire universe. And you know I mean that literally.”

    Sam chuckled a little and sat up. “You love me?”

    “Yeah, you overgrown dork,” Gabriel smiled softly and wiped away some of the wetness on Sam’s cheek with his thumb. “Do with it what you want. I’d never expect anything from you.”

    “How long?” Sam wiped his other cheek with the back of his hand.

    “Not sure,” Gabriel shrugged. “Somewhere between Florida and Ohio?” Sam grabbed Gabriel’s shirt and pulled him into a kiss. It was salty and wet, but completely perfect and sent shivers down his spine. Sam let go and Gabriel pulled away, breathless. “Definitely wasn’t expecting that.”

    “Will you show me why you love me?” Sam asked, grabbing one of Gabriel’s hands. “I want to learn to love you too.”

    “Yeah,” Gabriel smiled. “Of course I will.”


End file.
